Grief has a way of sneaking up on us, especially during certain days that hold emotional weight. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or even the change in seasons can stir up memories that bring a sharp ache, a deep sense of missing, or even a surprising wave of numbness. You might be going about your day when suddenly you’re hit with a heaviness you didn’t expect. These “grief triggers” can be especially intense, even years after a loss.

If you’ve felt this way, know that it’s not a step backward, it’s a completely natural part of the grieving process. And while we can’t always avoid these emotional reminders, we can learn how to prepare for them with care and compassion. Here are some gentle, practical strategies to help you get through the hard days.

1. Name the Day and Plan Ahead

It can be tempting to try to forget a significant date or pretend it’s just another day, but our minds and bodies often remember, even if we don’t want them to. Instead of avoiding it completely, try naming the day ahead of time.

Ask yourself:

What day is coming up that might be hard for me?
What emotions or memories usually come with it?
What would I need to get through it gently?

Planning ahead gives you a sense of control and reduces the chance of being blindsided. You might choose to take the day off, scale back on social plans, or schedule something comforting or meaningful.

2. Let Yourself Feel What You Feel

Grief doesn’t follow rules. You might feel sad, angry, relieved, nostalgic, or nothing at all. You might cry over breakfast or laugh unexpectedly while looking through old photos. All of it is okay. Try to avoid judging yourself for how the day unfolds. Just because you’re grieving differently than someone else doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. You might say to yourself: “This is a hard day. I’m allowed to feel whatever comes up.”

Let the emotions move through, rather than pushing them away. Sometimes just acknowledging the pain gives it less power.

3. Create a Ritual (Big or Small)

Rituals can help anchor us during emotionally intense times. They give structure to the chaos of grief and can bring a sense of connection and meaning. A ritual doesn’t have to be formal or spiritual it just needs to be something that feels intentional. Ideas for rituals:

Light a candle or incense in memory
Visit a meaningful place
Cook their favourite meal
Write them a letter
Look through photos or listen to music you shared
Do something kind for someone else in their honour

Whatever you choose, let it be something that feels personal and grounding. Rituals remind us that love doesn’t end, even when someone is no longer physically here.

4. Make Space for Both Grief and Joy

Sometimes we feel guilty for smiling or enjoying ourselves on a hard day, like it means we’re “moving on” or forgetting. But grief and joy can coexist. It’s okay to find moments of peace, laughter, or even lightness, even on days when you’re hurting.

Maybe you balance the sadness of the day with something you enjoy: a walk in nature, your favourite comfort food, a movie that makes you laugh, or time with a friend who understands. You don’t have to choose between grieving and living. Both can happen at the same time

5. Set Boundaries With People and Expectations

People around you might not always know how to support you, or they might expect you to “celebrate” when you don’t feel up to it. That’s why it’s important to give yourself permission to set boundaries. It’s okay to say:

“This day is hard for me. I’m going to spend it quietly this year.”
“I don’t feel like doing anything big, but I’d love a check-in text.”
“I might not reply right away, but I appreciate you reaching out.” You don’t owe anyone a performance of your grief. Do what feels manageable, and let others know how they can support you, that is, if you want support at all.

6. Reach Out (If That Feels Right)

On some days, company can be incredibly healing. If you’re feeling isolated or overwhelmed, you might reach out to someone who understands, whether it’s a friend, family member, support group, or therapist. You don’t even need to have the “perfect” words. A simple “Today’s hard. Can I talk to you for a bit?” is enough.

There’s strength in knowing when you need others. And some people may feel honoured to be invited into your grief.

7. Offer Yourself Gentleness and Rest

Grief is exhausting. Even just anticipating a hard day can drain your energy. So build in rest. Give yourself permission to cancel plans, wear cozy clothes, take naps, eat something soothing, or do absolutely nothing at all.

Self-care on a grief trigger day doesn’t have to look like bubble baths and journaling (though it can!). Sometimes, the most compassionate thing is just not pushing yourself to “get over it” or “keep going” like everything’s fine. Final Thoughts Hard days will still come. That’s not a sign you’re broken, it’s a sign you’ve loved deeply. Grief doesn’t disappear, but it does change over time. And with each year, you might find new ways to honor, remember, and take care of yourself on the days that hurt most. So whether this is your first tough anniversary or your fifteenth, you are not alone. Take it one moment at a time. Let yourself feel what’s true for you. And know that even on the hardest days, there’s room for healing, for remembering, and for the quiet strength of making it through.

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